Monday, June 28, 2004

I'm feeling kind of cranky this morning.

I kind of know why, but I don't really want to dwell on it too much. So hopefully writing will help get it out. I talked to Katie last night -- I'm going to visit her in the Twin Cities while I'm on vacation. And we ended up talking about our goals and dreams. She's having some of the problems I am -- not really knowing what to do. But it just seems like things are getting worse at work -- I'm bored (so I blog) and I just don't think that I want to be here much longer. And I'm trying to figure out what to do about it. I'm applying for jobs elsewhere, but I keep worrying that no one will want to hire me again. I keep getting rejected -- got a rejection letter from Wisconsin Public Television on Friday. I know I'm probably applying to early -- that I should wait and get more experience as a librarian, wait a year at least, probably more. But I don't really want to be here any more!

And then I wonder if I really want to be a librarian. In many respects, it is exactly what I expected and I am happy with my job. I get to help people and do research and learn new things every day. That part is great. But other parts are not so great. Not having much to do, and trying to stretch what I do have to do into more. The politics of the workplace, which I expected, but don't particularly enjoy. And worrying about the budget. What is going to happen in FY2006?

So I definitely want to get out sometime soonish. But where to? I've been trying to get a job in the Twin Cities, but all I get in response is rejection letters. So I've thought about graduate school -- but I don't know if I'm good enough at English to really get an MA. I've always had doubts about me and English -- I think towards the end of things, I felt better about myself, especially after the capstone process, but now it's been two years since I was there, and a year since I took a graduate class. And then there is a voice in the back of my head that says that maybe I'm just trying to escape the real world, that I want to go back to school because it's comfortable and I'm happier there, not because I need to get yet another master's degree.

I don't know that there will ever be a resolution soon. Just a lot of questions, and few answers.

I don't mean to sound so down about my future and my current job. I do have a funny story about my Saturday and a trip that I took to David's Bridal. But that can wait until tomorrow, or later, if I get bored at work.

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