Tuesday, February 10, 2004

I have such conflicting ideas of what I want to do with my life. I want to move back to the midwest, preferrably in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area or Madison or something. And be a University librarian. And then sometimes I want to move overseas. Live in London. I don't know how I will ever resolve my two conflicting desires.... And then there are times when I wish I had gone through with joining the Peace Corps. But I never sent in the medical forms. I never really told them that I wasn't joining either.... Oh well.

And then there's the fact that Valentine's Day is coming up. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Well, I don't think I'm doing anything right. I'm trying online dating, but seriously, I'm not spending enough time on it to really "meet" anyone. And work isn't exactly the best place to meet a young man. I mean, the library does have a fairly diverse range of ages, but when it comes to young men, the pickings are slim. And church hasn't been a goldmine either.... I just don't know what to do. Is part of it the fact that I've never really dated? And I don't know how to do it? I didn't get that high school training or college training that everyone else seems to have. Or is it because I'm fat? I'm working on that. Seriously, I'm working on it. I want to be thinner, partially to become healthier and partially so that I might be considered more attractive. It just takes time....and it's hard.

And then there is my friend Katie. She was in the same boat I was for years. Seriously, I have never met anyone who has a more similar situation than me. We're members of the NKB (Never Been Kissed) club. And now she's going out on a date -- with a guy that she met in college five years ago. I'm happy for her and jealous all at the same time. I want to have things happen to me, but it doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon. I'm going to probably turn 24 without ever being kissed. It's getting kind of ridiculous. I don't think that I necessarily have to have sex anytime soon. But it's getting almost embarassing that I am such a virgin. There are really two ways of taking it: that whoever I eventually meet will be very lucky, or that I am a very, very sad twenty-something. On my good days, I believe in the former. But on my bad days, which the last few days have been, I strongly, strongly believe in the latter.

It didn't help that Everwood had a show on about teen sex last night. While I was watching it, I just kept thinking about the fact that they are sixteen and are closer to sex than I have ever been. (Of course, I do know that it's a TV show, but still...)

I know I shouldn't let something like that make me feel a certain way....but sometimes (as Meg Ryan's character said in French Kiss) it feels good to wallow in something until your fingers are all pruney. So...this is the final wallow. I'm going to get over it because it's already 9:12 am and I need to get ready for work!

I will survive, I know. How else would I have made it to twenty-four? It just hurts sometime. And mid-February, it's kind of hard to avoid getting that feeling of being a complete loser. I just need to believe that I am special. And someday, someone will recognize that.

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